Leadership in Practice: Letting Go Without Stepping Back

Nov 10

The Source

The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins, a book about recognizing what we cannot control in other people and choosing how we respond. Abby has been applying its ideas nearly every day since reading it.

I picked up The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins expecting a self-help book, not a leadership book. I did not expect it to influence the way I lead as much as it has.

Since reading it, I have found myself applying its ideas nearly every day.

At its core, The Let Them Theory is about recognizing that we cannot control what other people think, feel, or do. Instead of spending our energy trying to manage their reactions or choices, we can let them be who they are and redirect our attention to what is within our control.

There are so many moments, at work and at home, when someone else’s choices, reactions, or expectations can take up more of our energy than we realize. We replay a conversation. Anticipate how someone might respond. Think through what we could say to make them understand.

I recognize that work because I do it.

Turning 50 has brought a growing willingness to release some of it. I worry less about the little things. I am less interested in pleasing everyone or managing every detail. “Let Them” has become a simple reminder to pause and recognize when I am spending energy on something I cannot control.

Let them have their opinion. Let them respond differently than I hoped. Let them make a choice I would not make.

There is relief in that. It frees up mental energy.

But the part I keep coming back to is what happens next.

Let Them Is the Release. Let Me Is the Work.

The most useful part of the book for me has been the pairing: Let Them. Let Me.

Robbins pairs “Let Them” with “Let Me,” a reminder that while we cannot control other people, we can choose how we respond, what we do next, and where we invest our energy.

What kind of leader do I want to be in this moment? What needs my attention? What is my responsibility here, and how do I want to carry it?

At work, that shift has helped me spend less energy responding to someone else’s behavior and more energy choosing my own. I can feel frustrated and still decide how I want to show up. Someone else’s reaction does not have to set the direction for mine.

That is a better use of my energy. It also leaves me with less to carry after the conversation ends.

It helps at home, too. Let them wear the crocs instead of the tennis shoes. Let them head out on a cold morning without a sweatshirt. Let them handle a situation in a way I would not have chosen. They are learning for themselves, and I am not spending my energy on a battle that does not need me.

I Still Have to Have the Conversation

The hardest part, at work and at home, is making sure “Let Them” does not become an excuse.

There may still be feedback to give. A hard conversation to have. An expectation to clarify. A boundary to hold.

As a leader, I cannot use “Let Them” to step around those responsibilities. As a Mom, I cannot assume that releasing control means my guidance is no longer needed.

I can allow someone to be disappointed while still holding an expectation. I can listen to their perspective and recognize when I need to adjust my own approach. And I can return to a difficult conversation, even when I would rather avoid it.

This is where “Let Me” matters most.

Let me be clear. Let me listen. Let me give the feedback with care. Let me follow through, even when it would be easier to let the moment pass.

I can let go of trying to control how someone responds and still take responsibility for having the conversation.

At home, my husband and I started to notice that we had lost control of some things. Screen time. YouTube. Shopping for fun. Things piling up around the house. We could have kept reacting one reminder at a time, but we made an intentional decision to stop handling it in the moment. Let me be proactive. Let me find a time for our family to talk. Let us get grounded again in our values and priorities. Let us develop plans and approaches together, as a family. That is not a conversation we would ever have while reminding them to unload the dishwasher for the third time.

Protecting What Matters Takes Discernment

This feels especially relevant as we move toward the holidays.

There are invitations, traditions, family preferences, and expectations about how things should look. Some are meaningful to us. Others continue because we have never stopped to consider whether they still fit.

It is easy to spend our energy anticipating everyone’s feelings before we have asked what matters most to us or what our family has capacity for.

“Let Them” can create a little room.

Someone may wish we were doing more. Someone may prefer the old plan. Someone may be disappointed.

Then comes “Let Me.”

Let me decide what our family can reasonably take on. Let me talk with my family about what we want to protect. Let me communicate our plans with care and enough notice. Let me make room for connection rather than filling every available space.

Within the Mom Life Leadership System, that is a return to Clarity and Focus: recognizing what matters and choosing where our attention belongs.

Other people’s feelings deserve care. They do not automatically have to become another problem for us to solve.

A Question to Carry With You

The more I practice “Let Them. Let Me.”, the more I recognize that the real value is not simply in letting go. It is in being more intentional about what I do next.

That brings me back to a question I have started asking myself in the middle of ordinary days:

Try This

What can I release so I can respond as the leader I want to be?

For me, “Let Them” is the quick release that gets me to that question. “Let Me” is where I decide what to do with the space it creates.

I still have responsibility. But I have less to carry.

This post is part of an ongoing exploration of the idea that motherhood is leadership. To read the essay that started this work, see Motherhood Is Leadership.

Read the essay →